"Adventure of the Holy Spirit" by Mattie Karr

I was so eager to do great things for God that I missed the first step - knowing that I was deeply loved by God.

I’ve always wanted to live a grand adventure. My favorite books and movies growing up were the Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Hunger Games, etc. I loved how in each of these stories, there were characters who weren’t particularly “special”, but were meant for greatness. Like Lucy being called into the wardrobe, I longed to be chosen to save people and do heroic deeds. 

This is where I learned about the Holy Spirit. My parents filled my brothers and I with stories and underneath it all, I knew that life with Christ would be a wonderful adventure. My young artistic heart dreamed of going to Hollywood someday and creating magical worlds for the big screen.

But life can become much harder than a ten year old can fathom. As I grew older and involved myself deeper in my faith, I watched in despair as my friends began giving their bodies away to sex, drugs, and alcohol. My once vibrant and playful friends grew anxious and depressed and my invitations to give it all up for Christ strained our relationships even more. If they weren’t laughing at me to my face, they were kind enough to ignore me or roll their eyes behind my back. As for my “great adventure”, I wasn’t winning any great battles and felt more like a silly knight too small for her armor.

I entered college as an art student and found many opportunities to be bold in my faith. But as I led small groups and invested in the women in my life, I ignored my own heart’s plea to be loved. 

I ended up transferring to a college with a strong Catholic community where I thought all my loneliness would disappear. But I found that my insecurities and fears prevented me from really enjoying this community. I was lonely, afraid, confused, and overwhelmed. The adventurous life God promised me felt like a big mess.

Here’s where I missed the most important part of going on an adventure with the Holy Spirit - the part where you actually go with the Holy Spirit. I was so eager to do great things for God that I missed the first step - knowing that I was deeply loved by God. That may seem strange given that I was proclaiming to everyone that Jesus loved them. But life is hard, and this whole time I was dealing with voices in my head.

Any time I did or said anything, these voices would say things like “wow, that was stupid, you looked really dumb there” or “no one really wants you here” or “you’re all alone”. Sometimes it sounded like “You are so selfish, just be happy with what you have” “life’s not really hard for you, stop complaining” and “no man will ever love you for you, you have to make him love you”. I wanted to prove these voices wrong by working harder, being holier, volunteering more, and getting people to like me by perfecting my looks, my social media account, and personality. 

But the voices only grew louder - especially when I failed or I experienced heartbreak. Maybe a boy I was crushing on started dating someone else - then these voices would stab my heart. In my mind, I saw an evil-grinned smile that enjoyed ripping the rug from under my feet. I believed that this voice and evil smile belonged to God. After all, didn’t He see how much I was doing for Him? Didn’t he see the long hours I volunteered with my church, pouring into people, saving their souls? If He did, why was He not giving me what I really wanted - love, acceptance, friends, a boyfriend? At twenty-two, I spent a whole summer asking these questions into a void. My depression and resentment towards God kept me in a state of numbness and fear and I understood why people ended their lives.

Mercifully, Jesus wouldn’t let me walk off that cliff. I was surrounded by people who actually cared about me (even if I didn’t believe them) and I started seeing a therapist. She helped me untangle the mess that was in my head and I started to get suspicious about those voices. Maybe they weren’t actually true? Maybe they were the voice of the devil? 

The grip of the enemy began to loosen.

Then one night, my campus ministry invited a guest speaker to one of our worship nights. His name was Kevin. Kevin spoke about how much he liked to pray over people in the Holy Spirit. He recounted story after story of how he prayed over broken bones - and they were healed. He told stories about the Holy Spirit asking him to deliver a message to someone that would make them break down weeping because it’s exactly what they needed to hear. 

A thought started to occur to me “maybe this man can hear what God has to say to me”. So during our time of praise and worship, I approached, desperate and a little scared, but determined. Kevin hovered his hands over my head and began to ask God what He wanted to say to me. I waited for what felt like an eternity and started to think “See? Even this guy can’t hear what God has to say to me” when suddenly, he spoke the words that would forever change my life: 

“Do you like to draw?”

The innocent question cut through me like a knife and I burst into tears. It was such a simple question, but as soon as he said it, I knew that Jesus knew me and He created me. I told Kevin that I was currently working on an art degree and he replied that he’d seen an image in his mind of Jesus drawing something at a table. 

He began to lead me through renouncing the lies I believed in Jesus’ name. “In the name of Jesus, I renounce the lie that I’m alone”, “In the name of Jesus, I renounce the lie that I’m unlovable”. And I declared the truth that I was loved, seen, and protected. 

I invited Jesus to be the King of my heart again and began to feel a strange sensation in my legs like Jello. Kevin said “Are you feeling anything in your body? Like water flowing through your legs?” I couldn’t believe it, right again. With each word, my heart burst at the knowledge that Jesus was with me right there, he cared about me, and had so much He wanted to give to me. 

When Kevin finished praying, I was laughing with joy. I asked him “What do I do now?” Kevin looked at me and said “Live.”

I’d never felt happiness like this before - I was delirious and wished it would never end.

I continued through my senior year of college and beyond making strides in therapy and diving into more healing ministries - first being healed by God from my disappointments and wounds, then ministering to others. 

I never made it to Hollywood, but at twenty-six I left my corporate job to be a full time artist on a mission to heal hearts through my paintings. I’m twenty-eight now and have my own list of stories with the Holy Spirit. I’ve seen knees realigned, ankles healed, migraines disappear. I’ve walked up to strangers at grocery stores and coffee shops at the nudge of the Holy Spirit and spoken words of encouragement and healing to them. I’ve helped people invite Jesus into their wounded traumatic memories and seen broken hearts restored. 

I am now living the adventure that was always available to me, but now in freedom. I do not serve to become a daughter of God, I serve because I am a daughter of God.

“Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us” -Romans 5:5

MATTIE KARR: Mattie Karr is a sacred artist, illustrator, and live wedding painter based in Kansas City. She loves evangelizing through beauty and bringing people to the source of healing - Jesus Christ. You’ll often find her embarrassing her friends and family with impromptu dance parties and wrestling matches.